F Your Standards!

Hello Lovely!

I’m going to start by saying, this blog post is going to be very different from my norm. It’s going to get serious, its going to be a long one, and if you are not here for that, its ok. Though I truly hope you stay to read this one. I hope everyone takes the time to read this, because I believe this effects more of us than we think. It may not effect us all the same way, but it could be an eye opener.

This topic has been something that has left a mark on me for a very long time. Longer than I’d like to admit, but one I often kept to myself, or only talked to a select few about. I’ve wrote this blog in my mind for months now, but not actually having the courage to sit and type this out till now. This one is very important for me, not only so I can finally speak my mind, but to show the young girls whom I love so much in my life(and hope they read this one day), we are beautiful.

So lets dive in…

Here I am, 31 years old. Happily married, with two healthy beautiful children. A house and property I could have never imagined having. Working at an amazing salon, building my career to levels I have desired for years. Yet would you believe it if I told you on the daily I struggle with the way I look? That I change my outfit countless amount of times because I’m worried what others may think of it. Would you believe that in my mind I still hear the cruel words of past exes or immature middle school boys? That I stand in my mirror evaluating the things I wish were different about myself. Crazy right?!

So lets bring this to where it all started. Back in middle school, which was 18 years ago at this point. When I say things stick with you, I mean it. This may seem so silly to some, but think of how as a 13 year old, everything seems so big and relevant. Or how you are learning new things about yourself and what others think. I was never “big” or “fat”, two words I find disgusting in describing someone, hence the quotations. I was only 5’0″, still am. I can’t recall my weight, which truly doesn’t matter, but to bring sense into this topic, I was smaller. It was the height of AIM, now I imagine there is going to be some who don’t know what that it. AIM, short for AOL Instant Messenger. You had a screen name, and a friends list. Basically it was just going online and texting with others. Anyways, like many other teenagers in my time, you would jump on after school and chat with your friends, or those you thought were your friends. One day I jumped on as usual, when I had a message pop up. A message from a boy at another school, whom my friends were close with. In that message read “Fatty, fatty, two by four, can’t fit through the kitchen door.” This little message changed how I thought and looked at myself for years and years to come. It was from that very moment, I struggled to find myself truly beautiful, constantly comparing myself to others, thinking to myself I was in fact “fat”.

I pushed that memory back often, but it was always there on the sideline. Only a small number know about that event. Mainly because I was embarrassed that I have ever let some immature boys comment have such a HUGE effect on myself. That was just the root of it all, I never said it stopped there. For years as a young girl, and woman, its been this constant battle of what I should be. All because of the standards women are expected to be, but why?! Why is it that if we aren’t at these standards we aren’t worthy, we aren’t enough, we aren’t beautiful? Why do others feel they have an opinion on how we look, or how others should look? Its so effed if you ask me!

As years passed after the AIM message, I never felt like I was enough. Countless times questioning within myself “How could he like me? I’m not as pretty as so and so. He could do better than me. I have a belly, he doesn’t want that. My friends are so much prettier than me. ” The hurtful comments to myself went on and on. Even got worse after a mentally abusive relationship, that I’m still trying to break through the trauma of. Not to mention all the disgusting amounts of articles in magazines and blogs talking about models and celebrities bodies. Why do we talk about others bodies?! What gives us the right to have an opinon on others bodies? The fact of the matter is, WE DON’T HAVE THE RIGHT! All these constant words on how others look, is just setting up so much failure. Failure for young minds to grow into bad habits, for young minds to grow hate towards themselves, for young minds to think its ok to judge others in how they look.

I’m done with these thoughts. I’m done thinking I’m not worthy. I AM WORTHY! I am so much more than my body. I am a woman, who has been through pain, who has battled within herself, who has become stronger on the other side. I am a mother, whose body housed and grew two healthy beautiful children. I bear those stretch marks with confidence, I embrace my sagging skin that has been stretched to make room for my babies. I walk this earth with a body who has been through pain, who has got me to this very moment. I am STRONG, my flabby arms are used to pick up my children, who are more than half of me now. I use those same arms to hug my babies tightly, reminding them how much they are loved. My thick thighs, full of cellulite, help give my legs the strength to walk each and every day. I love myself! I will continue loving myself from this moment forth. My children will know their mother loved herself. As they will also learn the importance in self love. The importance of always speaking kindly.

I’m so thankful for my husband. Forever my biggest supporter! He has loved me from the very first moment we’ve been together. He has loved me at my worst, has been there for all my self hatred. Never once has he looked at me in disgust, loving me through all my stages. He met me when I was still so very broken, I can’t say he healed me. If that were the case I would have been “healed” 10 years ago. I needed to believe the words he spoke to me, I needed to feel that same way about myself. It took me 11 years from the last hurtful comment to me from someone else, to truly start feeling self love. Don’t get me wrong, my husband played a huge part in my healing. Feeling his love for me, no matter how I looked or felt about myself, if I hadn’t had that, I’m sure it would have taken me longer to get to this point.

SO F YOUR STANDARDS! I will not allow your thoughts, your ugly words, to have an effect on how I see myself. I am worthy, you are worthy! We are all beautiful, in every way, shape, and form. No matter your skin color, no matter your hair, eyes, size, or height.

With the help of a dear friend of mine, Alicia, who is an amazing boudoir photographer. She helped me capture my body in its current state. She helped me see myself in a different view. After my shoot with her, I couldn’t believe I was in fact looking at images of myself. With lots of talking into by myself, I’m here to share some of those with you. So here’s my stretch marks, here’s my cellulite, here’s all of me! I am beautiful, I am perfectly me!

I’m going to end this with something I tell my children often…

How boring of a world we would live in if we were all the same. Embrace all that is within yourself and all that is within others.

As always if you enjoyed this blog, make sure to SHARE with your friends and family. I urge you to COMMENT below and share with me if you struggle with this as well, or would like to share your experience with me. Also be sure to SUBSCRIBE below so you don’t miss out on any future blogs to come.

Be kind, and spread love.

cb